Perception

I hit the gym this morning for the first time this week. I didn't have a lot of time, so I hit cardio - I know I can do weights at home (well, I CAN do cardio, too - but weights are easier to get done at home and less time consuming than cardio), since I haven't run in two days. Usually, I get 1.5 miles on the elliptical with intervals in approximately 21 minutes. I was pleasantly surprised to find myself finishing my 1.5 miles with about a minute and a half to spare. I don't know if it is because of the running, but I like it! Since I haven't been seeing much movement on the scale, I am happy to see differences in fitness like such. Also, the cramping in my calf went away. :)

But anyways, back to the gym - I used to have a really hard time going to the gym. I have never been overly self conscious, but any person who has spent any amount of time being overweight can often tell you that you develop a complex. Oh em gee, is that person looking at me? What are they thinking? Why aren't they even sweating at all? I wish I could go as fast as they are. They are probably mentally berating me for being so fat, so slow! - and that's only what happens in the gym! It's almost as bad if you're in public eating healthy - That person is probably thinking 'Look at that fat slob - if they would have learned to eat a salad years ago, they wouldn't look like that now.' - and then if you're in public treating yourself to something that's not as good for you - I can just hear him saying now 'Come on, Tubby, shovel it in! Your fatness is your own fault.'

In reality - I don't know if that's what people think, but that's what my mind tries to tell me that they're thinking when they see me in public. In all reality, I suspect that guy at the gym is too busy watching himself lift in the mirror, that lady at Subway is too busy counting her own calories, and that teenaged boy at McDonald's is too busy texting his friends about the latest video game release to really be thinking those things... so why does my brain tell me that they are?

And the silly thing is that, as a general rule, I don't think those things about myself. I don't think things like "fat slob", or "lazy" (okay, well, I am lazy, and I've admitted it, but you know!) when I think about myself. I don't know if society has programmed me to think feel that way or if there is some intrinsic inner working of my own that has this thought process genetically hardwired into me.

What I do know is that sometimes, I feel like wearing a shirt with a picture of me before I lost the weight I have so far so that people can see how far I have come instead of how much farther I still have to go! My body is a pretty incredible machine to consider - from where it came to where it is now and where I know it can go. A friend of G's who has lost an incredible 185lbs and recently been featured on Bob Harper's Facebook page posted something to the effect of "you must push the mind to push the body". It's a learning curve, but I think by identifying it, I will eventually get there.