... but it's pretty clear that I have to. I have been at more or less a stand still (with a 8-10lb gain) for about a year, but I haven't worried a lot about it. I have been engaging in lots of summer vacation-y type behaviour over the last few months and I got on the scale this morning to find my weight at 262.6. At my lowest, I went down to just under 250, which was a huge goal for me. I am disappointed in myself. I feel like I have made many excuses out of convenience for myself. I don't hate myself, though.
And I think that's where the whole success factor thus far has come from. I have gained 13lbs. But I have also still lost 62lbs. I have the tools to lose that 13lbs and more again, I just need to employ them. I might need a little help from my friends.
My biggest issue? Eating, clearly. I consider myself to be moderately active most of the time - I go to the gym on average twice a week and engage in chores in the barn. Sure, I work in a sedentary job, but the farm does help to offset that by times. It's the food.
For example, the other night, I was awake a little later than the rest of the family - I made the mistake of not heading upstairs to my bedroom with my laptop, but sat downstairs in front of the tv (a practice which drives my family insane because I am never fully paying attention to one or the other, particularly when we are watching a movie). Around midnight, I went into the kitchen because I wanted a lil "sumthin' sumthin'" - no big whoop, usually. I know a lot of people are strict about not eating after 8pm but I am a big fan of "if I am hungry, really, truly hungry, I feed myself. Even if it is midnight.
For a reason unbeknownst to me, there was a box of a half a dozen Tim Horton's donuts in my cupboard. This is like torturous indecency. Baked goods are my biggest downfall. Trying to be halfway decent, I cut a honey glaze in half and ate that. I then realized that what I thought were gross raisin-laden donuts (I have a completely different entry about how raisins DO NOT belong in sweet baking!) were actually Boston creams with the chocolate on top melted off due to the heat wave we've been experiencing. So I ate half of that, too. But before I FOUND any of that, I had had a dulce de leche Jell-o pudding cup (only about 60 calories, pretty decent and purchased with the intent of being something to satisfy the sweet cravings I have). So yeah, without even thinking about it, I packed away about 400 calories at midnight. NOT my intent. I fixed the donut issue by putting the remaining donuts into the fridge. Cold, hard donuts are not appealing to me and I can only hope that, by decreasing the level of appeal they have, I can decrease my chances of stuffing anymore in my mouth at all. I do much better when nobody brings this stuff home at all.
So with all of that said - the tools that I know I can employ to combat THIS issue is identifying it in the first place, then at least going to my bedroom in the evenings when I sit up toodling on the internet - as I mentioned before, I am lazy, so if I can make it more effort to get to/find the food, then it makes it easier to avoid it.
I have always said that I don't have a bad emotional relationship with food. I just have no willpower. Definitely a self improvement tactic to work on. The good news is that I have a lot of resources around me to help me become motivated and push myself - friends Erin & Carina are both on this weight loss wagon, as well as my sister, and then of course, the military recruit boyfriend (did I mention that he made kabobs for me? Delicious, wondrous kabobs! I will have to post a picture of them!). I have no reason not to succeed except myself. I can sometimes be my own worst saboteur... but I am learning, little by little, in the various parts of my life, not to allow myself to sabotage myself from happiness and the things that I want - case evidenced by the perfectly healthy, normal relationship I am carrying on with one of the nicest guys I've ever met -- I used to be a self destructive drama monger who wasn't happy unless I was experiencing some kind of torturous emotion. I have a long way to go... but I will get there. I have the tools. :)
You can do this. WE can do this. Just keep moving. <3
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